And · the · mercy · seat · is · waiting...

I think I am going to make a brand new LiveJournal account soon, maybe even as early as tonight, and rid myself of this one. I am in need of a fresh start with some things, even with unimportant aspects such as online presence. It'd be nice to have that new beginning; I have a perfect, wonderful girl, now I just need the rest of my life to fall into place, lest I force it to by sheer will.

I'll let anyone interested know when I do, so that they can come along with me should they choose to want to. I have a lot of things to say, and a lot of things on my mind, and hopefully I'll use my new account on a fairly regular basis, at the very least to maintain a daily writing edge as I whip myself back into shape with the written word, as I'll need to be sharp for the changes that are to be coming into my life soon. I have not written creatively in over two weeks now; that's the longest interim I've had since I was thirteen. It's time to make things happen.

By the way, Daniel, good on you for landing the girl. I'm proud of you man; you need and deserve that happiness, as I know you've been struggling for some time now with discontent, and as a friend I very much have not done as much as I could to help, and for that I'm sorry. We need to get together soon, for there is much to discuss.

Anyway, more to come, so for those who do care, stay tuned.

As of late I've upped the intensity of my workout, all the while breaking the limits that had previously fallen on me. I've added more weight, am concocting and introducing new variations given the limited equipment I have to work with, and feel like fire because of it. I haven't felt this strong in the longest time; I seriously feel like a train, or some Mecha-Godzilla/human hybrid prototype thing of sorts, especially in the chest and arms. I wish I had a bench, I really do feel as though I could set a new personal best. Not only that, but I'm getting quicker and my already great stamina even feels like it's improving.

Times are great right now, here's hoping the momentum stays with me.

1) Machines of Loving Grace - Gilt
2) Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Abattoir Blues/The Lyre of Orpheus
3) Depeche Mode - Songs of Faith & Devotion
4) I:Scintilla - Optics
5) The Swans - Soundtracks for the Blind
6) Samael - Eternal
7) The Crüxshadows - Mystery of the Whisper
8) Paradise Lost - Symbol of Life
9) Megadeth - Youthanasia
10) Cradle of Filth - Damnation and a Day

...

That's off the top of my head; it's subject to change of course.

Honourable mentions go to:

Sister Machine Gun - 6.6 Machine
Die Warzau - Engine
Amish Rake Fight - Fellow Prisoners
The Crüxshadows - Ethernaut
Scanalyzer - One the One and Zero
Christ Analogue - Everyday is Distortion
Ulver - Themes from William Blake's the Marriage of Heaven and Hell
Cindergarden - Underground Light Machine

We're damaged people
Drawn together
By subtleties that we are not aware of
Disturbed souls
Playing out forever
These games that we once thought we would be scared of
 
When you're in my arms
The world makes sense
There is no pretence
And you're crying
When you're by my side
There is no defence
I forget to sense I'm dying
 
We're damaged people
Praying for something
That doesn't come from somewhere deep inside us
Depraved souls
Trusting in the one thing
The one thing that this life has not denied us
 
When I feel the warmth of your very soul
I forget I'm cold
And crying
When your lips touch mine
And I lose control
I forget I'm old
And dying

- "Damaged People" by Depeche Mode

Just give me a reason some kind of sign
I'll need a miracle to help me this time
I heard what you said and I feel the same
I know in my heart that I'll have to change
 
Even the stars look brighter tonight
Nothing's impossible
I still believe in love at first sight
Nothing's impossible
 
How did we get to be this far apart
How did we get to be this far apart
I want to be with you have something to share
I want to be here I'm not there
 
Even the stars look brighter tonight
Nothing's impossible
I still believe in love at first sight
Nothing's impossible
 
Even the stars look brighter tonight
Nothing's impossible
If you believe in love at first sight
Nothing's impossible
 
I still believe in love at first sight
Nothing's impossible

_ Nothing's Impossible by Depeche Mode

...

That is such an auto-biographical album. Depeche Mode are certainly the masters at their craft and suit my persona to such a point that it's almost surreal.

...

It's been a long past few days.

I've spent a lot of time mulling; the mulled subjects are varied of course. I don't know how I do it sometimes; how I take what's thrown at me, calmly take it down a notch to make it manageable and not fly off the handle into a seething rage. I baffle myself sometimes.

I haven't had much room to breathe lately; I keep having circumstances pop up and add themselves to the already growing pile of...stuff?...that I have going for me. Heh, fancy that. I'm really looking forward to happy times. Hopefully times well spent with people worth the effort. I keep thinking back and wishing for the good welfare of various people, people whom my head can't seem to shake free of as of late for myriads of reasons. Wishes only go so far, as I well know. So it's my hope that my well wishes come to fruition in the not too distant future for those people.

Sentimentalities aside, that's what I have to say about that.

So I went to the midnight showing of X-Files: I Want To Believe in the Woodlands with a few friends of mine on Thursday night. I liked it quite a bit, though I'm unsure whether I like it as much as the first movie or not. Most of the people I know who have seen it were sorely disappointed in it, mostly for inane reasons, i.e. "I never watched the show" or "It wasn't about aliens." That night as a whole was a bit...uncomfortable...haha. Oh well, I greatly enjoyed it all regardless and am seeing it again Wednesday, along with The Dark Knight yet again.

Another thing that has weighed heavily on my mind as of late is getting various people to do artistic renditions of things I write. I've been thinking about that ever since I dated Terrin, since she was such an amazing and talented artist. She agreed to do it, but considering we broke up and have only spoken once (last week...) in three years, that has gone far away by now. I'm just throwing the idea around; I'd have to really trust in the talent and vision of the person before I let them loose. I've started to shop things around in hopes of being published, so what better time to consider that alternative than now? The idea kind of excites me.

My brain is fairly racked and exhausted at this point and for no good reason in all honesty. I dislike what I've written here thus far, so I'll leave it at this. I can only tolerate so much mediocrity from myself in one sitting, haha. Thoughts? Comments? Questions? You know the drill my lovelies.

So last night perfection was achieved.

After over a decade, I got to see At The Gates perform in what very well is likely their final show in Houston. The setlist was amazing, the energy was incomparable, the band was spot on and the crowd was more than generous and appreciative. I've practically worshiped these guys since the 90s and getting the chance to see them after all of these years was an amazing experience. Not only that, but I was front row/center surrounded by people just as passionate as I was about it all and who understand just how legendary what we were witnessing was. So to Maurice and especially Daniel: you guys rule everything.

I kept seeing people that I thought would make the night awkward for me, but it wasn't at all. I suppose it's due to the fact that none of those people I've ever had anything against and in the end they're all upstanding, quality people. I simply wish they felt the same towards me; maybe down the line everything can be absolved. Until then, I wish nothing but the best in life for those people. I really do miss some of them.

Afterwards, after about an hour wait, the band came out and greeted the fortunate few who waited for them. It was more worth it than I can possibly explain; meeting such legends was truly something else. I've met so many bands big and small and rarely come away star struck, but Tomas and Adrian did it for me. The entire band I couldn't speak more positively of; they're simply dedicated, passionate, upstanding guys who appreciate the status they've achieved. It's a shame that I may never again be able to meet them all as a collective, but the fact that I did at all makes it all worth it in the end.

I found it truly fitting that At The Gate's pre-encore set concluded with "As Life Ends." It was a strong, perfect conclusion to the preceding week I've had.  I now feel incredibly inspired again.

And for anyone who wants to know: My Grandpa's service was beautiful. Very calming and relaxing, a very fitting end to an incredible man's life. I couldn't have been happier with how everything turned out. He was truly loved.

"As in the heavens, so below
 The Sun has now forever set
 And bids our time to go
 I am tired and I fear not
 The Cold that now descends
 As light grows dim, I bid farewell
 All life ends..."

-  "All Life Ends" by At The Gates

So my Grandpa's funeral is in less than two hours from now. The viewing went well, much more smoothly than any of us had anticipated. I mentioned to my Mother yesterday that this is easily the most peaceful death we've had in our family that I could remember; he was in such harsh pain the past decade or so and it's a relief that the pain has stopped. Cheesy to say as that may be, it's every bit true.

In a humorous note, I got hit on several times by girls in the session opposite us. Funeral dating has always seemed a bit odd to me, but I stuck it through, haha. I told them I had "other interests" and moved on from there. I can't blame them for trying though, poor gals.

The friends that I've actually told have been amazingly supportive to me. I myself only told three people, but it of course spread, and thus I've been getting calls and/or texts from loads of people. I can never complain that I have subpar or uncaring friends; many have proved beyond the shadow of any doubt that they're worth my time and I love them for that.

There are certain individuals whom I carry an incredible contempt for, or at least I should say I did. I then realized that this is not the time nor place for that and moved on from it on a whim. Callous, uncaring individuals who deny me peace of mind for their own petty gains at a time like this have no place in my heart. I won't ever talk badly  or down  to them (I have , I'd like to believe, far more character than they do in that regard) unless confronted first; I've been far too easy going and peaceful with these people. Regardless the scenario, what's done is done. Ashes to ashes.

So with that I'll leave for the moment and get prepared for the funeral. It's been a long past few days, but it's certainly been worth it.

So I've just learned that come this autumn The Crüxshadows will be touring North America with another one of my favourite bands in the world, I:Scintilla. This makes me a fantastically happy panda. Ayria will also be there, which is always a plus, as she/they put on an excellent show when I saw her/them open for the The Crüxshadows in January 2007 (has it really been that long?).

Not even to mention that Brittany of I:Scintilla is not only one of the most gorgeous women I've ever seen, but also has one of my most favourite voices in existence.

Samael, At The Gates, Opeth, Danzig, The Crüxshadows and I:Scintilla? 2008 may be dead in the water on a personal level, but I'll be damned if it isn't an amazing concert year.

C'mon Tiamat....

I'm trying to maintain some semblance of optimism here. Thus far, I'm having mixed results.

I have a feeling that somewhere down the line, I've offended some greater power and 2008 is the result of said greater power's perplexing sense of humour. I'm well aware that "2008" has been mentioned quite often enough by me in regards to all things miserable and maudlin.

I mentioned some time ago that I would attempt to salvage the latter half of the year considering the first half was an exhibition in all things pathetic for me. I reacted shamefully and anything that could have come at me and rattled me did. Try as I might, I have yet to make a chink in the armor and so it seems that I'll be in this rut for some time more to go. Optimistically, maybe I'm in line for some sort of miracle or deus ex machina. Considering that's not likely, I 'm simply left with thinking realistically.

In the interim between my last entry and now, I've A) been falsely accused for a second time regarding privacy issues with Dana, and B) been left with the brunt of the decision on whether to keep my Grandpa on life support or not. A reprieve would be nice, but it's seeming unlikely. Regarding the first issue, I'll stand defiant about my innocence until I'm out of breath. I openly admit when I've done things shameful or embarrassing, so as not to portray someone who is scared of their past or actions. Considering I'm wholly innocent regarding what I've been accused of, I cannot in good conscience lay claim to doing anything wrong. Nor will I. When I truly have done something wrong, only then will I confess. In the meantime, I can only imagine the type of insults and venom that is being tossed around about me. I have no choice but to accept that fact, as I can change no one's mind here regardless of how much I try. I always thought I was better to her than I apparently was. She was the one I never wanted to let go, even now. Call it obsessive, call it creepy, call it what you like. I've heard it all from her. Regardless, I've never felt the same emotions I have for her, and hence it will be a very long time before I find comfort or satisfaction in knowing that I'm loathed and snuffed out from the life of the one person I ever truly wanted to care for. I had a dream about her this morning, in which we met and began to discuss how much I missed her and wished her back. Of course, even in my dreams, it was to no avail. And I woke up, startled and disheartened. Nothing had changed.

On the second issue, I hesitate to say too much. It's my place to say something, but in respect for the other members of my family, I shan't. Simply put it's an agonizing ordeal and very taxing on what has already been troublesome times for me. Seeing the person who basically served as my Father (along with my Uncle Charles, who died in 2001) in such a state is very unsettling.

Something has to give at some point. I've patiently waited for the silver lining and it's unfortunate that I have to wait even longer now. I just need something refreshing and unexpected to come along and wow me. I need for my broken heart to be mended (I shudder at how cliché that sounds) and restored. I need to be healthy and alive again.

My normal resiliency is absent here. I wonder if that's a sign of further things to come.

Something is wrong with me. I can't shake the feelings I've had and those same feelings will likely stay with me for a substantial amount of time.

I feel as if I'm losing grip on myself and reality as a whole. I wish there was a simple solution for all of this. Of all the times in my life to feel the way I do, why must it be now? I suppose I can't argue too much; it had to come at some point.

As I type this, I keep getting chills down my spine. I'm quite ashamed of myself at this point; most of my entries from this year thus far carry the same subject and I still haven't recovered from that ailment. It cannot be helped though, despicable and pitiful as I've admittedly become. I feel as if though my best friend has left me and that something beautiful has been taken away from me unceremoniously. The year has been unforgiving and time has only worsened the matter.

All I ask is that someone, somewhere be sent to me to help me through whatever era this is that I've been going through. Though I can if I must, I truly don't want to bear this cross alone. It's weighed me down so much and I feel as if I've reached a threshold of sorts.

Come whatever may. I, as it stands today, am a terribly broken human being. I have been so since...well, long enough we should say. Perhaps one of these days I'll figure out whatever it is I've done to deserve this; to be left when I was trying to do right, to be called uncharacteristic names when I was simply trying to put the pieces together, to be harpooned when I tried to rectify a situation long overdue...

I don't know how much longer I can play the charade in my favor. This has been a year of emotional and spiritual regression, of which it is rather disheartening to admit that. Being forgotten about and moved on from when you're still holding on, yet trying and failing to let go, truly does leave its scar. 

The weather here is perfection right now. Calm, windy, cool...

The sky is overcast with an ashen grey, the clouds slowly but surely pacing themselves across the sky whilst the sun sets. It pacifies me and helps me feel just a little less turbulent. Somewhere, at least for the moment, someone thinks enough of me to bless me with this tiniest gift. As I stepped outside and the wind hit my face, causing my hair to flow behind me, I felt at peace.

In this single moment, life is okay. It's quiet. It's beautiful. It's worth living.

So I just woke up. It's now...11:26 AM.

I've allowed myself to think far too much over the past several days. My mind has been wandering, being left astray and allowed to venture back and forth amongst a myriad of risky subjects. I've also been dreaming, very vividly, over my last few sleeping sessions (saying "nights" would be a disservice, since I have no tried and true sleeping pattern). All have featured either myself alone or myself + one other person (it's been the same person). What differs greatly is the setting and what is actually happening in said dreams. As I stand to venture that no one actually reads any of what I write here considering I really have no friends who use this anymore, I should spare the explicit details. Should anyone trip across this and care to know further, I'll oblige and edit this entry or just post a new one. In any other event, I'll just keep it to myself unless I really feel compelled to write what doesn't get read.

I've been bothered by preoccupation lately. Then again, I've been bothered by preoccupation for some time now. It's all been extremely hostile; I'll be managing well enough and without warning or provocation I'll let trigger a random thought that really lays my mood bare and leaves me rattled. My ego, for lack of better description, hasn't fared very well in the midst of all of this. A lot of it drives home feelings of inadequacy that leave me feeling a bit flushed. I suppose it comes with the territory.

It's taken all of my reserves not to be overly resentful the past several days. I've become a jealous person in regards to certain things and my feelings have been pretty unrelenting in the matter. Suffice it to say I haven't had much peace lately; in complete honesty, peace of mind has been a rare treat for me this year as a whole. I'll have moments which I relish and hold onto for dear life, then once they're gone they'll be replaced by something distressing that rears its ugly head for hours, sometimes days, on end. It's in those moments that all of those negative thoughts creep in and make themselves at home for lengthy periods.

The most damning part of it all is still knowing the impossibility of the proper solution ever coming. I keep reiterating that...and it makes it no less true with each passing time. The things I could do if given the opportunity. The new avenues and doors that could be opened up. The euphoria and relief that would be given. It's all a nice thought, but with it being a one sided ordeal I'm left to work with what little I have. I'm a pitiable human being at the moment, I fully admit that. Let's not confuse that fact.

Try as I might, I can't help but go back to those dreams. They're all connected despite the differences in setting; they're certainly connected in terms of the individuals who appear in them. I wish I could make sense of them or gather some semblance of hope from them.

Heh. For some reason a song I haven't thought about in years just popped into my head.  When I was a kid my Mom had this cassette tape of various artists that I loved. It was the tape that introduced me to Elton John (the song - "I Don't Wanna Go On With You Like That," which is still one of my top five favourite Elton John songs to this day) amongst others. I remember growing a particular fondness for a song called "Seasons Change" by Exposé while in Arkansas visiting my Aunt Liz. Standing in the middle of her yard as the sun set with my Sony Walkman and that cassette tape. That song just popped into my head after so many years. The last time I listened to it I must've been all of seven or eight years old.

...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=BcWfpPgeAP4

...

Wow. All of these years later and this song finally comes full circle for me. It's crazy how music works with the memory to adapt and fit with new, fresh experiences. Blast from my past for sure, haha. Wow. Cheesy and auto-biographical. The 80s were something special, heh.

It's been one of those nights.

Ever since Saturday night, my last entry, my head has been swimming in...I don't even know. Words to properly describe whatever this feeling is aren't coming to me. Call it a case of writer's block, call it a case of inability to communicate, call it what you will. The point being that something, somewhere has to break. It has to. Otherwise my sanity is going to slip through my fingers.

I became so upset earlier that I picked up the dumb bell I was using to curl (fifty pounds) and threw it across my yard. I was so intensely angry and upset. I had no vehicle to release it all either; all I managed to do was continue my workout until my body was so fatigued that I just couldn't go any longer. Generally that's the purpose of working out, however this time it took almost three hours. I felt as if I had so much adrenaline running through me that it would never cease. I felt stronger than I had in...ever. It was one of those "zone" periods where I felt untouchable by any means. Normally this would be fantastic, but this was fueled by emotional scarring and the desire for absolution. In the end I had left myself hurt, physically and emotionally. I had given blood the day prior and all of the intensity  did a number on my right arm; throughout the day it kept becoming tense and I was unable to move my arm. It was a huge mistake on my part; I hadn't even thought about that, and by the time the pain in my arm kicked in to remind me, I was all but gone in a feverish display of emotion and refused to let myself stop. Much of this, as a result, is being typed with one hand.

I know what's wrong with me. I know damn sure and well what my problem is. And I have no solutions to any of it. I'll manage, I have no choice but to do so. If I sit idle and let myself be eaten away at, then I'm doing a disservice to not only myself, but the myriad of people around me who view me as this great, unbreakable...thing. I wish I believed all of the fantastic things that the people around me have to say in regards to me. Yet the only things that have struck any type of nerve with me are the negative that has been offered.
I can't write anymore. I know I don't deserve what I'm feeling; I've done better by people than what I'm receiving in return. I've been to Hell and back it seems, and here I am feeling stranded there. I just want someone to elate me. I want the chance to celebrate someone and cascade them in happiness. Someone that I can shout to the world is all mine and never look back.

...

There are things I have done.
There’s a place I have gone.
There’s a beast and I let it run now it’s running my way.
There are things I regret that you can’t forgive you can’t forget.
There’s a gift that you sent you sent it my way.
So take this night and wrap it around me like a sheet.
I know I’m not forgiven but I need a place to sleep.
So take this night and lay me down on the street.
I know I’m not forgiven but I hope that I’ll be given some peace.
There’s a game that I played.
There are rules I had to break.
There’s mistakes that I made but I made them my way.
So take this night and wrap it around me like a sheet.
I know I’m not forgiven but I need a place to sleep.
So take this night and lay me down on the street.
I know I’m not forgiven but I hope that I’ll be given some peace.
Some peace, some peace.

...

"This Night" by Black Lab

It's odd how one can be so motivated to write to a virtually non-existent audience.

I watched Iron Man for the second time today since Clay had yet to see it. It's even better with a second viewing; I'd place it firmly alongside X-2 and Batman Begins as the best comic based movies I've ever seen. If we include graphic novels, then Sin City takes top honours without any doubt in my head, but since we're not including graphic novels, X-2, Batman Begins and Iron Man it is. On the movie note, frustratingly enough, I still have yet to see Prince Caspian. It's been one of my most anticipated movies in ages and yet I still have two free passes burning up my wallet. In due time, in due time...

And no, I am not going to see Indiana Jones by my own will. I didn't like the first three either as a child or an adult and thus have zero interest in the new installment. However, I'm going along for the ride at the behest of Jennifer and and the fact that, for once, I do not have to pay. Otherwise I'd refuse to go. As it is though, I'll be seeing it sometime this weekend. Likely before I see Prince Caspian. What is the world coming to?

I started thinking about my second girlfriend Terrin today for the first time since not soon after our break-up in August 2005. It was only prompted by her sister getting in touch with me via MySpace. Since it was fresh on my mind, I started reminiscing about our time together; while she is not my favourite girlfriend I've ever had, my relationship with her was certainly the most successful I've ever had. Almost four years, discussions with parents on both sides about potential marriage arrangements, countless hours spent together and so on and so forth. The only reason it ended was a series of unfortunate events over the last three months of us being together. Far too much drama, confusion, hostility and eventually, resentment. It all ended up for the better I suppose; she's currently living with her girlfriend in the Woodlands according to her sister and I've learned a lot of life lessons between August 2005 and the present. While she may have won the relationship sweepstakes, I'm none too bothered by it. As long as she's happy I can manage. I remember November 2005 and how difficult it was to see Depeche Mode without her (Depeche Mode also happened to be her favourite band, thanks in great part to me) and how some of the songs on the setlist overtook me and almost shook me to tears. "Enjoy the Silence," "Precious," and "Home" were particularly guilty of this if I recall correctly. Wow, Depeche Mode really were anthemic to me during that period - August 2005: the break-up, October 2005: new album Playing the Angel  featuring "Nothing's Impossible," which lyrically literally echoed every sentiment I had towards her at that point, November 2005: seeing them live for the first time, sans Terrin. Had "Nothing's Impossible" been on the setlist that night, which despite being my favourite track from the album to this day I was hoping it wasn't, I'd have lost it and been a headcase of sorts. Then again, I have plenty of positive and funny memories I hold dear; I remember senior year her telling me, in all seriousness, that if I ever had a shot at having sex with Miss Roth (our European history teacher who I had the most massive of crushes on) to take it, but be sure to videotape it for her and that it'd "better end in a huge mess all over Miss Roth," hahaha. Senior year was such a good year.

I'm still, of course, writing for a few projects, musically and just written word. I've been listening to far too much Skinny Puppy as of late (Jason and I having a lengthy conversation about them a few nights ago certainly didn't help, haha). Such an influence on me throughout the years they've been; far ahead of their time in terms of sound and what they could accomplish electronically and sonically and Ohgr to this day remains one of my all-time premiere frontmen. I've been having trouble writing anything that doesn't come off as blatant Skinny Puppy worship, haha.

Anyway, that's what I have to say for the night being. I'm fairly certain I'll be back soon with more random musings.

Nearly halfway through the year, I do believe I've found my album of the year.

This album is nothing short of brilliance. Yoav is an Israeli singer-songwriter who performs with his voice and acoustic guitar; it's what he does with said voice and acoustic guitar that blows my mind. There are moments of tribal percussiveness, trip-hop tinged beats, soul, even pop-hook sensibilities, all delivered with a near flawlessness, and made with nothing but voice and acoustic guitar. It's almost unreal at times.

How was I introduced to this gem? Oddly enough, "Club Thing" appears on the new Best Buy CD that plays on the overhead speaker; I had listened to the song for two weeks, but just tonight decided to blind purchase the album since I couldn't get "Club Thing" out of my head. As it turns out, it's likely the worst song on the whole album, which speaks volumes considering how great a track it really is. Even the songs that start off slowly and even slightly uninteresting end up closing out brilliantly and rewarding your patience, i.e. "Beautiful Lie." And I'll be damned if "Wake Up" isn't the best song I've heard in quite some time now; this song puts me in awe. It's raw, heavy, and lyrically haunting. Yet another point I must highlight: the lyrics are actually worthy of my attention. They're by no means perfect, but considering how particular and damning I can be regarding lyrics, I have to give all due credit here. They're so very strong and delivered with such panache.  It's also worthy of note that his sole tour thus far has been in support of Tori Amos, which after hearing the album in full, makes more than enough sense.

The feeling I get from this album is the same feeling I got when I was introduced to Nick Cave. Which for anyone who knows me, knows how high of praise that is.

My creative juices are flowing right now like they haven't in a good while; enticing and inspiring work here, for sure.

I had a real entry, which I shall post later, but I just had to post this in the meantime for awareness. You owe it to yourself to give this album a proper listen, regardless of your musical tastes and prejudices.